My mother is a cancer survivor. She was diagnosed with the disease when I was in grade school. For years and years it was blissfully in remission until a couple years ago.
Make no mistake about it, doctors told us treatment would only give her more time, there was no hope of beating it this go-around. It had spread far too much and now, its about done.
Yesterday my mother entered the emergency room for the second time in 3 weeks and she is just a shell of herself. A shell of what she was last month actually, but just can't go on living in this agony. The conversations we had today broke my heart.
I've long accepted her eventual passing from this, and we've talked about what needs to be done after she passes, but today was just the worst conversation I've ever had.
She looked at me in a way to say "Please help me" and there isnt anything I could do. Knowing my mother it was probably more of a look of concern for me rather than herself. She said to me "I just hope you are happy"
She wants for me, even as she knows she "can't live like this" and it's tearing me apart inside.
She can't eat. She's so thin. She throws up the most horrible liquid I can only imagine is body waste from the smell of it. I'm sure her organs arent working properly. It's so much to watch. But I can handle watching it, its thinking about it that kills me.
Over the course of this weekend we'll discuss with hospital staff the different In's and Out's of Hospice. Its time for her to let go, and for me too.
I can't imagine living without her. She is that one person I can talk to about anything. I can call at a moments notice and just bare my soul to and now she's going to be taken from me at 66. Her mother lived until she was into her 60s. I lose her at 29.
I've already lost my Father, and his side of the family and me don't really communicate. My uncle lives in California and we don't speak. Not for anything major, just really never were tight like that. My Mom is the only living relative I have worth a damn to me and now its about to be over. I sit here scared that day will come when I can't wake up and think "I'm gonna call my mom" or go see her, or do anything with her. It's just so much to handle.
We may have had our differences but she was always on my side. Even when she gave me advice I hated, I knew it was because she felt it was in my best interests...who can replace that? Nobody. Not that I would want anyone to. But I just don't know how I am going to handle life with that part ripped away.
Other people deal with this all the time, I know. And I'm sure nearly everyone has these same thoughts and moves on with life. But at this moment I could give a shit. This is my mother and I can't stand this feeling inside. I want everything to be ok. I want her to pull through and just go on living. Selfish as that might be.
I know it won't happen, but its what I want. I was a terrible son. I acted horrible and selfish my hole life and I won't stop now. I wasn't trouble to her growing up, but i have a sick and twisted way of showing that woman I care. I just don't know any better, or can't be bothered to try. I don't know, but its something I'll have to live with until my dying day. I hope I never have kids in fear they'll be just like me.
I hope this wonderful woman can forgive me, I hope she can know in her heart and mind I always loved her despite my actions. I don't deserve to keep her. I don't deserve forgiveness...but she deserves to know her son loves her with all his heart. I just don't feel words are enough at this point. But I don't know what else to do.
I am so...lost...
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