I love you, Mom

My mother is a cancer survivor. She was diagnosed with the disease when I was in grade school. For years and years it was blissfully in remission until a couple years ago.
Make no mistake about it, doctors told us treatment would only give her more time, there was no hope of beating it this go-around. It had spread far too much and now, its about done.

Yesterday my mother entered the emergency room for the second time in 3 weeks and she is just a shell of herself. A shell of what she was last month actually, but just can't go on living in this agony. The conversations we had today broke my heart.

I've long accepted her eventual passing from this, and we've talked about what needs to be done after she passes, but today was just the worst conversation I've ever had.
She looked at me in a way to say "Please help me" and there isnt anything I could do. Knowing my mother it was probably more of a look of concern for me rather than herself. She said to me "I just hope you are happy"

She wants for me, even as she knows she "can't live like this" and it's tearing me apart inside.
She can't eat. She's so thin. She throws up the most horrible liquid I can only imagine is body waste from the smell of it. I'm sure her organs arent working properly. It's so much to watch. But I can handle watching it, its thinking about it that kills me.

Over the course of this weekend we'll discuss with hospital staff the different In's and Out's of Hospice. Its time for her to let go, and for me too.
I can't imagine living without her. She is that one person I can talk to about anything. I can call at a moments notice and just bare my soul to and now she's going to be taken from me at 66. Her mother lived until she was into her 60s. I lose her at 29.

I've already lost my Father, and his side of the family and me don't really communicate. My uncle lives in California and we don't speak. Not for anything major, just really never were tight like that. My Mom is the only living relative I have worth a damn to me and now its about to be over. I sit here scared that day will come when I can't wake up and think "I'm gonna call my mom" or go see her, or do anything with her. It's just so much to handle.

We may have had our differences but she was always on my side. Even when she gave me advice I hated, I knew it was because she felt it was in my best interests...who can replace that? Nobody. Not that I would want anyone to. But I just don't know how I am going to handle life with that part ripped away.

Other people deal with this all the time, I know. And I'm sure nearly everyone has these same thoughts and moves on with life. But at this moment I could give a shit. This is my mother and I can't stand this feeling inside. I want everything to be ok. I want her to pull through and just go on living. Selfish as that might be.
I know it won't happen, but its what I want. I was a terrible son. I acted horrible and selfish my hole life and I won't stop now. I wasn't trouble to her growing up, but i have a sick and twisted way of showing that woman I care. I just don't know any better, or can't be bothered to try. I don't know, but its something I'll have to live with until my dying day. I hope I never have kids in fear they'll be just like me.

I hope this wonderful woman can forgive me, I hope she can know in her heart and mind I always loved her despite my actions. I don't deserve to keep her. I don't deserve forgiveness...but she deserves to know her son loves her with all his heart. I just don't feel words are enough at this point. But I don't know what else to do.

I am so...lost...

100 years and counting

I would never say this is the year when refering to my hometown Chicago Cubs, but this could be the year. This is by far the best team I've seen play since I have been alive. I don't have too much to add to this, having just witnessed a comback 6-5 win over the visiting Florida Marlins, but Go Cubs Go

Ya, so this post is kinda weak, but whatever I don't have too much to add =P

I am lost in myself. My wife, to me, is the most beautiful person alive. I could stare at her backside or frontside for that matter, for hours on end as if a complete stranger. Every time she undresses is like the first time for me. She shows little if no interest in me at all and it's tearing me apart. I just gave her a short back rub this evening, which ended with a small butt rub. Just moving my hands over her bottom was like magic to me. Like I was getting away with something. The touch of her skin drives me crazy to this day. Her smile, laugh, eveyrthing is like the first time I ever held her in my arms. Yet if i touch her, she gets upset with me. Am I backwards? Should I be losing interest? Should I find her unappealing? I can't help it. I want her. I really don't know how to handle this really huge gap I feel we have in our relationship =( Ah well

It sucks to get old

So a week or so ago my mother falls walking her dog. Lucky for her she didnt break her hip. slight fracture to the pelvic bone, and she's alright. Needs a bit of rehab but she's up and walking.
She went to the Lexington Home for her rehab stint. Its a nursing home and I gotta tell you, the nightmares that are coming out of that place are insane.
Just today 2 things happened that make me want to go in there and rough someone up.

First, my mother is on a cane at the moment, and its lunch time. A nurse tells her to go to the front of the line since everyone else is sitting (in a wheelchair) and she's standing. So she does. And the woman serving food refuses to serve her cause she cut in line. Orders her to get in line and outright embarrasses her in front of everyone. She about cried on the phone telling me this. THEN while I'm on the phone with her I start going through my answering machine and I got a phone call from them the same day.

They want me to come down and sign papers for Dad, to commit him. So not only are they lost as to why she's is there, they think she is a he! When she went to confront them about it they denied the call ever happened!

Keep your parents out of this nightmare hole in the world!! The End.

So long Chef!

Issac Hayes died today at age 65. Best remembered by me at least as the lovable and sex-crazed Chef from TV's South Park. But I guess better known for singing the song from Shaft. But ya, a bit before my time.




Sure, he had his falling out with the show, (South Park) and sure it was over dumb reasons, but we all can't be perfect.
I'll never forget the show where Chef and James Taylor sang the prostitute song. classic moment. I laughed so hard I thought I would die. Just the way he gets caught at the end and his verbal expressions.


Anyway, it would seem to me after reading what happened that the old guy just ran a little too hard on the treadmill. Ah well, seeing as he was no longer a part of the show I can't really say I'll miss him and yet be truthfull. I said I'll miss him from the show when he left, and I did. I suppose there really is no point in this post other than a guy died who was funny as a cartoon cook in a badly animated yet extremely funny adult cartoon. The End.

Welcome to me

More times than not I have things I like to get out, so although the blog thing has been done time and time again I felt why not. I tried before but it was purely sports related. While I'm sure most of this will be sports related to, I guess I just felt like having a place to let out my ramblings. So here it is